How to Make Women Happy
The Point System for Husbands...
Objective:Make your wife happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In a snowstorm (+8)
You return with Depends (-10)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's the pet (-10)
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire evening (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-8)
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports joint (+1)
Okay, it is a sports joint (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports joint, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)
Communication...when she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
The Big Question:She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-2)
Sometimes nothing is more funny than the truth. But Pandora . . . you let out all our secrets to the point system!
Posted by: Babs | April 28, 2005 at 07:36 PM
I shall have my own response to this soon, as this is pure malarky.
You know I'm upset when I use obscure words.
Posted by: Sam | April 28, 2005 at 10:51 PM
I hated to be the one to do it, Babs, but someone just had to reveal the truth about the points system. You know, it is up to us bloggers to pick up where professional journalists leave off. :-)
***********
Sam, you must be upset if you used the word "malarky"! I shall be awaiting your responses. And they better be funny!
Posted by: Pandora | April 29, 2005 at 06:51 AM
My score: -420,599
Posted by: Craig | April 29, 2005 at 07:09 AM
Why do I feel like a hamster on a wheel when I read things like this?
Posted by: Randy | May 02, 2005 at 07:17 AM